Taking My Life - Why It Never Happened

Welcome to my blog,

I have been suffering with depression since middle school year 7-8 one of them but I didn't know that's what was wrong with me till I got to college and broke down to my tutors telling them how I felt. My tutor booked me an appointment for the doctors and I attended and was put on the lowest tablets you could possibly get. 

Before this was all booked I tried telling my mum that I needed to see a doctor because I thought I had it and she turned around and said to me 'don't be so stupid' so I never told her I was on medication and kept it a secret. 

It all got to much for me and in my second year of college on a bus on the way home I broke down finally admitting to myself that something was wrong and that I finally needed help. Even though I knew I was unwell I never admitted it to myself. 

Eventually I felt like I had gone through so much that I wasn't getting any help, my boyfriend wasn't understanding and I constantly felt like crap. Waking up was a chore and going to bed was always a thought of how I didn't want to wake up.

So I tried to take my life, I felt like I was so close to doing it. I was talking to a friend I've known since I was a kid and just saying goodbye really. My biggest fear was/is trying to take my life and not succeeding and that thought alone terrified me I just didn't want to get it wrong. 

Anyway my friend ended up messaging my sister and my sister phoned my mum. My mum then came in to my room and I just broke down. Only then did my mum want to take my illness seriously. 

My plan never happened I knew what I was going to do and where everything was that I needed. 

People need to understand depression is not something you can just keep on going with. It's an illness that can emotionally make you do physical things. If you ever feel so low at all then you should go to a doctor and get the help needed. 

Depression does not make you weak and it does not define who you are. 

If  you live through it everyday it definitely shows how much of a strong person you are.

Beautiful Belongings